The Cabbage Chronicle: Captain Marvel, YA Twitter, and Smiling

Hello. My name is Hiu, and I am an award-winning journalism. I keep an eye out for all the hot topics in the world of Science-Fiction and Fantasy, and then I tell you how to feel about them. And it’s all totally, definitely, 100% serious and absolutely not satirical in any way.

So now it’s time to check out the news that’s been broken this week, and try our best to fix it.


Captain Marvel

Common decency suffered a devastating loss this week, when Captain Marvel smashed box office records across the globe. I didn’t think I had to explain how much of a problem this is, but here we are.

I have a daughter. Her name is Jarvis, and she is a female. Prior to the announcement of Captain Marvel, she was the perfect child. The epitome of “seen and not heard”. But things have been going downhill since Marvel began their propaganda marketing campaign.

Recently, Jarvis has began to develop a thing called “ambition”. She looks at Brie Larson, a so-called “superhero” with breasts that she doesn’t even show, and she is inspired. She thinks she can help people. She thinks that she can make a difference. She looks at this Captain Marvel, and she sees what she thinks she could be.

And that, men, is dangerous.

What more will these women demand from us? First it was equal wages, then it was respect, and now it’s fair representation? How much of the pie do we have to give them? Because I sure as hell can’t do the math.

When I was growing up, I had my heroes. There was Spider-man, Superman, Batman, Iron man, Daredevil, Wolverine, Thor, The Hulk, Captain America… And then the girls had Wonderwoman. And that was fair. We even gave them a pink power ranger to sweeten the deal.

But now there’s this Captain Marvel. Now my daughter isn’t happy just being my daughter any more. She wants to be her own person, whatever that means. Just the other day she called me “toxic”.

What kind of thing is that for a 30-year old to say to her father?


YA Twitter “Cancelled” by Reddit

The interwebs have been heating up with some hot new drama this week, which has led to a flame war between Reddit and Twitter.

Following another explosion on Twitter, users on Reddit have decided that it is time to “reclaim the slur” and “cancel” YA Twitter.

Power user and /r/dragonsfuckingcars contributor /u/i_have_penises_for_nipples described the Twitter landscape as “obscene”, and suggested that the character limit did not allow for reasoned and intellectual discussion in the way that Reddit does.

User /u/pm_me_your_nudes said that the Twitter environment “was especially harmful for women”.

Thought leader /u/only_says_nice_tits was unavailable for comment.

Jesse Singal is said to be distraught that this drama is still ongoing, according to early readers of his 322nd article on the subject.


Hiu Reviews

In this part of the Chronicle, I will review books that I have definitely read. What follows are categorically not just wild extrapolations based on the titles.

The City in the Middle of the Night, by Charlie Jane Anders

This is an urban fantasy story about a badger. It’s quite sad really. The hustle and bustle of the city usually takes place during the day, and so life is hard for a nocturnal creature. Badger’s choice of jobs is limited, their chances to make friends are hard to come by, and the lack of restaurants/supermarkets open in the middle of the night forces them to scavenge food from bins. A heart-breaking slice of life tale, 4 stars.

The Bird King, by G. Willow Wilson 

When the king falcon dies without an heir, his distant relative Sammy the Seagull is forced to take the throne. A bit of a maverick, Sammy’s tendency to get into trouble leads to some very funny scenes in this comic fantasy caper. 3 stars.

The Perfect Assassin, by K.A. Doore

It’s all a metaphor. The perfect assassin is Father Time. Mind-blowing stuff. 5 stars.


How to Solve all of SFF’s Drama Worries

Look. I get it. Someone on the internet didn’t like the thing that you liked. That’s hard. It’s even harder when they are clearly missing the harmful sociopolitical undertones, and describe the thing using terms like “fun” and “a good laugh”.

And I understand the other side, too. So people keep trying to tell you what you should and shouldn’t like. That’s annoying, I know that. And it’s so tempting to lash out. I know that they’re overblowing things — it was just a little bit of hate-fuelled genocide, after all, and that’s never hurt anyone — but I’m here to tell you to keep calm.

I’m going to speak to the both of you now.

It’s easy to get riled up in the internet. It’s easy to get drawn into arguments and ruin your day. But it’s also easy to avoid that.

All you have to do is smile more.

That’s it.

Maybe people wouldn’t be so argumentative with you if you’d just smile more. Just be happy. Nobody likes a grumpy-pants.

Just smile more.

…what are you doing with that knife?


For those who haven’t quite realized it by now, this is OBVIOUSLY satire. 

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