Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stane by‎ Matthew Fitt (NSFW)

About the Novel

Mr and Mrs Dursley, o nummer fower, Privet Loan, were prood tae say that they were gey normal, thank ye awfie muckle. They were the lest fowk ye wid jalouse wid be taigled up wi onythin unco or ferlie, because they jist widnae hae onythin tae dae wi joukery packery like yon.

First hing ye needtae ken aboot this book is that it’s awfie gid fir the bairns. There’s pure hunners ae magic n aw that, n Harry is a class MC (am talkin’ main character, no Gary McF) way his wee magic stick. The book is a aboot a wee speccy boy that gets abducted fae his shite life way his bitch of an aunt n fat bastard uncle n cousin, n goes aff tae a magic school whaur folk dae tricks, fight the English (represented metaphorically as trolls), n dress lit flamboyant paedos. Turns oot his maw n da were kilt by some noseless baldy cunt, n that leads tae some heavy drama.


Maist ae the book revolves aboot Harry finding oot that he’s a warlock. He needs tae go tae aw these lessons n that, which is proper pish if ye ask me. If I could dae magic I’d be oot turnin cunts intae frogs n puttin ma cunt of a neighbour up a tree.

Here n there some exciting stuff happens, n Harry n his two glaikit pals go on wee mental adventures. There’s a dug wi three heids, and they break intae locked rooms wi this mad unlocking spell that the junkies roon ma way wid kill for. Eventually they fin oot that this suspicious bastard that looks lit he gels his hair wi cat pish is tryin tae steal a wee rid stane. Canni mind wit the stane does, a wis steamin when I read that bit. But anywiy they dae this mad magic obstacle course n turns oot that the real baddy is this baldy bastard prick that hus another baldy bastard prick on the back of his baldy bastard prick heid.


The story is written in proper teuchter, so it’s a bit ae a mission tae unnerstawn wit it’s sayin. They talk that annoyin ally-bally-bee wiy yer granda does when he wants ye tae ken that he’s proper Scottish oan Rabbie Burns day, and tbh it just did ma box in.


Harry’s awrite but he’s a bit borin, honestly. He’s lit that wan mate that ye keep forgettin tae invite oot for a bev, and then he gets fuckin ragin. He’s pals wi a ginger and this proper clever-clogs lassie wi mental hair n big teeth.

The characters in this book are aw fuckin mental. There’s aw these weird cunts that teach in the school. The heid rector is this beardy bastard called Dumbiedykes; there’s a creepy bastard if ever av seen wan. There’s also a wee fella teachin’ charms, n this crabbit auld cow that teaches how to turn intae hings. There’s this fuckin half-giant prick anaw, am no sure who wis shaggin who for that wan but it must’ve been sore.

There’s also this wee half-horse, half-man guy, but tbh that’s a mystery best left tae itsel.


Honestly, I liked this book right, but it’s a pure rip-aff ae Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Lazy cunt of an author didnae even changed the title, just changed a letter. Lazy bastard.


This is awrite if yer a wee guy or lassie, or if yer stoned enough tae purposefully read teuchter for a gid few hours, but honestly I’d just read the normal Harry Potter. It’s no pure shite or anyhin, but tbh I wis always mare ae a Lord ae the Rings fan.

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