The Cabbage Chronicle: Eurocentric Fantasy, Commas, and Young Adults

Hi there. My name is Hiu, and I am a respected journalism. I deliver Science-Fiction and Fantasy News to you in a definitely serious and not at all satirical way. In an age where others are always trying to break the news, I’m trying to fix it.

I’m here to tell you how to think.

The War Against Europe

Last week, at WorldCon, there was a wee bit of a kerfuffle when some non-white, non-male people had the audacity to claim that they weren’t welcome at WorldCon. This week, these people are back with a vengeance.

From the folks who brought you the War Against Christmas, we bring you the War Against Medieval Europe.

These people (who I can only assume had been previously invisible) have suddenly appeared on the publishing landscape, saying such slanderous things as “Have you considered reading a non-Eurocentric novel?”, and “Please buy my book so that I can pay rent.” 

They show up, with their definitely-not-white skin and unfamiliar genitals, and they have the audacity to call me privileged? I mean, they didn’t explicitly call me out, but I just know they were talking about me specifically.

They talk about how hard they have to work in comparison to their peers. That they have to be outstanding, and not just mediocre, to bypass the systemic racism and sexism in our country.

Well.

Let me tell you about MY experiences. About MY suffering. About MY lack of privilege.

On the street where I was raised, a few doors up, there were these two twins boys who were my age: the McMillans. On their 17th birthday, their daddy bought them a Ferrari.

A Ferrari.

One.

Singular.

They had to share that car!

Countless times when I would be walking home at night, usually around 6.30ish so that I could be home in time to convince the au pair to fix me up some supper, I’d witness people PUBLICLY littering.

So don’t call me privileged. I, too, have seen suffering.

And don’t take the medieval Europe out of fantasy. Fantasy is supposed to be about farmboy princes with magic swords and hermit father figures. It’s about knights and castles and wizards. If you look up “fantasy” in a dictionary, you will see it has a very rigid, specific definition. There is no room for imagination and variety in fantasy.

Editor’s Note: That’s not– that’s not what privilege means. And that’s not what fantasy means. That’s not what any of this means. NONE of this is correct. In fact, just delete this. Delete the whole article. No good can come of this.

The Comma of Oxford

The Oxford comma is, according to a Cabbage Chronicle poll, the most popular punctation mark in the known world. Despite this, its existence appears to be somewhat of a controversy. Some heretics take issue with the Oxford comma. They despise it. They dislike that it provides clarity. They are agents of chaos, plotting to drag our world into a never-ending downward spiral of confusion.

Unfortunately, one of these comma-haters is from our own house.

Recently, there was an incident where a chronicle-affiliated figure spoke out publicly against the Oxford comma. This incident caused such a stir, that it rose even to the office (okay, personal Twitter account) of the Lieutenant Governor of Washington State. For this, we have apologised, and apologise again.

We are taking this moment to categorically DENOUNCE any opponent of the Oxford comma.

You may live your lives wallowing in the muck of ambiguity, but you will not drag us in with you. We will stand against you. We will fight, and we will prevail.

Please join our Twitter movement by using the hashtag #Cabbages4Commas.

Also buy our t-shirts and merchandise.

Thank you.

Hiu Reviews

I have read some very exciting books this week, and luckily for you I’ve been able to read a few of those in order to give you some totally accurate summaries that absolutely aren’t ridiculous extrapolations based solely on the titles.

The Grey Bastards, by Jonathan French

A story about a gang of older men who get together every week to play cards. These are not nice men. They were born out of wedlock, and so their blood is cursed with ambition and cruelty. They are the Grey Bastards, and this book follows their story as they pit themselves against each other, using any leverage they can (no matter how personal) to win the game of poker.

Grey Sister, by Mark Lawrence

A sequel to The Grey Bastards. The main character is a sister of one of characters of the first book, and she is out to avenge her brother’s death.

Editor’s Note: SPOILERS!

Jade City, by Fonda Lee

A fun, slice-of-life reimagining of The Wizard of Oz, told from the perspective of a citizen of the Jade City, the sister city of The Emerald City. Wholesome fun for the whole family.

The Subgenre Wars

This week on the message-boards, the talk of the town is the Young Adult subgenre – commonly reduced to the “YA” initialism.

This conflict seems to be split into three main groups. The pro-YA group, the anti-YA group, and those who don’t actually understand what YA actually is. General opinion seems to be against the anti-YA group, although there are those who confessed to this journalism that they are afraid of the pro-YAers.

The action has been intense. Over 40 hashtags were used this week alone, with around 400 subtweets, and countless enraged replies. Citizens of the messageboards reported to me that they were scared to ask whether their book qualified as “YA” or not. They didn’t know if their characters were too old, their subject matter too dark, or their prose too dense. They’re afraid that, in asking, they will appear to have “looked down” on the subgenre… and in this dog-eat-dog world, that is a death sentence.

As always, the conflict drags on. But you can count on this journalism to give you the inside-scoop from the heart of the action.

For those who haven’t quite realized it by now, this is OBVIOUSLY satire.